Here's something I don't care about: athlete's families. This is really the bottom of the

sports barrel. I'm watchin' a ballgame on TV, and just because some athlete's dog-ass wife

is in the stands, someone thinks they have to put her picture on the screen. And I miss a

double steal.

Same with a ballplayer's father. "There's his dad, who taught him how to throw the

changeup when he was two years old." Fuck him, the sick bastard. His own sports dreams

probably crash-landed, so he forced a bunch of shit on his kid, and now the kid's a neurotic

athlete. Fuck athletes' relatives. If they wanna be on TV, let 'em go to cable access.

I also don't care if an athlete's wife had a baby, how she is, how the baby is, how much the

baby weighs or what the fuckin' baby's name is. It's got nothin' to do with sports. Its just a

weak attempt to make these low-level neanderthals appear human. Leave it out.

And I'm tired of ballplayers whose children are sick. Healthy men with sick children: how

fuckin banal. If the kid is sick, talk it over privately; don't spread it all over television. Have

some dignity. And play fuckin' ball!!

Nor do I wanna know about some athlete's crippled little brother or his hemophiliac sister.

The Olympics specialize in this kind of mawkish bullshit. Either his aunt has the clap, or

his kid has a forty-pound mole, or his high school buddy overdosed on burritos, etc. Can't

sports exist on television without all this embarrassing, maudlin, super-sentimental,

tear-jerking bullshit! Keep your personal disasters to yourself, and get in there and score

some fuckin' points, ya creepy fuckin sweatmonger.

And I don't care for all that middlebrow philosophical

bullshit you get from athletes and coaches when

someone on the team has a serious illness or dies in

an accident. They give you this shit, "When

something like this happens, you realize what's really

important. It's only a game." Bullshit! If it's only a

game, get the fuck out of the business.

You know what's important? The score. Who won. I

can get plenty of sad tales somewhere else in this

victim-packed society. Fuck all that dewy-eyed

sentimental bullshit about people who are sick. And

that includes any athlete whose father died a week

before the game who says, "This one's for Pop."

American bathos. Keep it to yourself. Play ball!

And I shouldn't even have to mention severely injured athletes who are playing on "nothing

but heart." Fuck you! Suck it up and get out there, motherfucker.

And I don't wanna know about sports teams that sew the initials of dead people on their

jerseys for one whole season, as if it really means something. Leave that stupid

superstitious bullshit in the locker room. I don't wanna know who's in mourning. Play ball,

you fuckin' grotesque overdeveloped nitwits!

And why are they always tellin' us that one of these athletes has a tumor? Don't they

realize no one gives a fuck if an athlete has a tumor? You know when you care about a

tumor? When you have it. Or someone close to you. Who cares about an athlete?

I notice no one cares if a rock star gets a tumor. So what's so special about an athlete? By

the way, have you ever noticed that you don't hear as much about rock stars getting tumors

as you do about athletes? Maybe the drug life is a little better for your health than all that

stupid, sweaty shit the athletes put themselves through. Its worth thinking about.

And you can skip tellin' me about the Chevrolet player of the game. A thousand-dollar

contribution to a scholarship fund in the athlete's name. Shit. A thousand dollars won't even

keep a kid in decent drugs for half a semester. Fuck Chevrolet. And fuck Keith Jackson.

And fuck forced wholesomeness.

And when are the media gonna discover that no one cares if an athlete is active in local

charities? People don't want to know about some coke-headed, steroid monstrosity who's

working to help the National Douchebag Foundation, or how much he cares about poor and

sick kids. Can the cocksucker play ball? Fine. Suit him up and get him the fuck out there

on the field. Let him injure someone.

One last thing on this topic. No one, repeat, no one is interested in athletes who can sing

or play musical instruments. We already have people who perform these tasks. They're

called singers and musicians, and, at last count, it would seem we have quite enough of

them. The fact that someone with an IQ triple his age has mastered a few simple chords is

unimportant and of monumental disinterest. Play ball!